I haven’t written here in a while. I’ve moved most of my venting over to a forum thread full of girls like me.
Life, ever changing, goes on. No more early morning frigid bike rides to the gym for me. No more swim team. No more sweaty weight room. I even cleaned out my gym locker yesterday. I don’t need it anymore.
I miss working out with my husband. I miss how exercise makes me feel. I know I’m on the path to being healthy but I miss the blissful ignorance of thinking I was healthy already. I think the novelty of my new non-exercise schedule has warn off and now I’m looking for some sign that this is all worthwhile, that it’s making a difference.
It doesn’t help that I didn’t get the temperature spike I was expecting this past weekend. It could still come but if i doesn’t by the end of this week then I think I’ll take a break from temping. It’s not doing me any good. I just wind up disappointed in my erratic chart. I try to read things into nothing.
I have to remember that it’s only been a little over two weeks since I ditched the gym completely and freed up my eating the last little bit that I could. That is nothing in the time frame we’re talking about for most HA recoveries. Nothing. Knowing that makes me very, very sad and impatient. It’s been almost a year since I lost the BC cover of my condition. I know that’s nothing in the infertility time span either.
Today is that day that used to make me miserable when I was single. This year, it serves as a reminder that things could be worse: I could be totally alone. There was a time when I thought I would never meet someone, that I was destined for spinsterhood. I was proven wrong. I hope to be proven wrong again.
Now, I’m not alone. I feel incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful, perfect (for me) man to go through life with. I must not take that for granted. He makes life worth living.
I had a really rough night last night. I went traipsing all over the city to a dentist appointment after work and then had to get the CSA box on my way home. What a great reminder of how much easier it is to go through life with someone to pick up the slack – to run those errands that need running, take the dog out, calm me down.
When I got home I made myself French toast with the last of the Tartine loaf for dinner. I don’t think there’s anything more comforting than French toast with lots of coconut butter for dinner.
I was still miserable. I went to bed crying because Lee hadn’t called and wasn’t answering his phone when I called him. I must have redialed 10 times. I had some choice words for Google Voice.
I didn’t remember that today was Valentines day till I passed the construction worker who enthusiastically greets passers by from the gate at the General Hospital construction site. She wished me happy Valentines day.
Another day away from the gym and I feel like my identity is slipping away.
I’d like to get back to “normal” in that time frame – sooner rather than later. This period in my life has gone on long enough – this sort of self inflicted pain, trying times, waiting and hoping. I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of what it does to me and to my husband. I know that in the scheme of things and compared so many others, my suffering has been short…so far. One year doesn’t seem short when your body isn’t doing what you want it to.
Others have inspired me to go for what I want and need right now, to do what I have to do. I think I have to stop going to the gym. I cut our running months ago, quit swimming last month, and went cold turkey on the gym this week. I know I can’t gain the kind of weight I need to in the weight room. Muscle is no help.
All these feelings bring me back to the days when I was first regaining weight. My body felt horrible. I was huge. I was miserable. That was a good 20 pounds ago. I never thought I’d be okay with the weight I’m at today. Never. Yet, here I am. Can I really add another 10 pounds in the name of fertility? I hope so.
This process is going to suck. I’m going to cry and moan and avert my eyes from my tri bike every time I enter the garage. I’m going to unsubscribe from “fitness” blogs and get to know my yoga mat a little better. Yoga is safe, right? It’s not like I’m doing anything very intense.
I think that morning walks with the dog will keep me sane.
I don’t feel like writing in cohesive paragraphs this morning. Here’s what’s been going on in list form. (Lists are cool, right?)
- My mom was visiting all weekend (Thursday night through this morning): BEST THING EVER – for my mental healthy as well as my eating goals. It might not be the best thing for her, but my mom is great at incorporating baked goods into our time together. There was a muffin at the mall, cookies from WFoods (they have this new mini-cookie bar by the door!), a delicious lunch at Bar Tartine – I love you, wonderful, wonderful bread, and an olive oil shortbread cookie + the best latte I’ve ever had at Blue Bottle coffee in the new Mission Heath showroom. Is there any better place for a mother and daughter to hang out than a Heath Ceramics with a Blue Bottle inside? I think not.
- I went to the Dermatologist on Friday: she was fantastic – favorite doctor right now! I’ll be seeing a surgeon, an oncologist, and this dermatologist again in the future. There’s nothing wrong right now (except for a mole the doctor would rather just get rid of) but I had a melanoma removed a little over a year ago…wear your sunscreen people!
- My husband is on a work trip to Munich all week, making for something lonely times at home. On the bright side, I get to watch whatever I want on TV in the evening and will be taking the week off from going to the gym! We’ll see how that goes…
- I found these ladies last week and I feel a thousand times more hopeful and motivated to up my BMI. There is hope!
- My acupuncturist thinks I should consider incorporating some (organic, grass fed, local etc.) meet into my diet. She is so wonderful about these kinds of topics and I don’t feel pressured at all. I’m considering it, though. I’m mainly a vegetarian because I don’t particularly like red meat and the meat industry is so horribly unsustainable, cruel and gross…but I could see myself having a weekly burger if I knew where it came from. L is going to love hearing this.
- T-minus 23 days till I go to Seattle for a work seminar and get to stay with my mom. Then it’s almost time for the Great Return To The Boat (for a month) at the end of March!!! Oh, and our 2-year wedding anniversary!
Okay, enough. I really need to take some pictures. I can’t handle writing these long posts with nothing to break up the text. I guess the food blogger in me isn’t dead.
Last weekend started out very badly. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed on Saturday morning (something about not getting to sleep in on the weekend) when we had to get ready to leave for our mini-backpacking trip at 6 am.
I pouted through the entire drive to the mountains. Okay, so I did more than pout. I cried about my situation. I complained about aspects of my relationship with L and generally ignored everything his tried to do to comfort me. I was a self-centered mess of tunnel vision and bitterness. To be fair, I was really depressed. I can’t be so hard on myself. After all, infertility sucks. Being depressed about my situation, however, is not a valid reason to drive my husband to the brink and jeopardize our marriage.
I can safely say that I hit bottom on that drive. I saw what truly self-inflicted misery looks like and I realized a few things about myself and my husband. After that, the rest of the weekend was fabulous. Lets hope the trend continues and that I remember what I learned.
- It may seem like the worst thing in the world but there are worse things than being a FHA sufferer (like being alone and ignoring all the wonderful things about life and the world I get to experience).
- I do this to myself. The more I chip away at what might be physically preventing me from regaining my cycles, the more I think it’s something mental standing in my way. The anxiety I’ve built up over this for the past year is a) completely debilitating, b) not worth it, and c) curable.
- I have a wonderful husband who loves me and that is the best medicine for what ails me, and consequently us (because my emotional jackhammer is wrecking havoc on our relationship). Did you hear that, L? Loving each other and getting on with our lives is the best thing we can do right now. I just know it.
Three seems like a nice number of lessons. I could probably list more but they would mostly be reiterations of the same theme: life is pretty darn good – your husband loves you – love him back, live your life, and the rest will come.
What did we do for the rest of the weekend? We went on a mini-backpacking trip (a short hike in and out with one night in a tent). There was snow – a lot more snow that we expected. There was also a mountain lion…a mountain lion actively hunting things…like maybe us. It didn’t eat us. The dog survived the trip without turning into a little icicle and I am getting both him and L hiking boots for Valentines Day. L did the whole hike in his Chacos and even he admitted that was a mistake.
We are both really psyched about this wilderness area we found to hike in. It’s big enough to allow for some decent backpacking, wild enough to feel like we’re getting away from civilization, and close enough to make weekend trips feasible. Oh, and dogs are allowed! Score! I wish I had some pictures for this post but they’re all on L’s phone so those will have to wait.
Here’s to the good times ahead! I see lots of outdoor activities in our future.